A farce called Marriage

In my younger days, I thought of marriage as an unnecessary ritual.
A farce. Just to keep two individuals bound in a claustrophobic relationship.
Men and women, married to each other, stay married despite their unhappiness, differences, intimate affairs with others because of several reasons. This is a pretense, a farce, they why marry? Live-in-relationships are fine, so I thought.
If a person in love wants to live the rest of his/her life with the beloved, it can be achieved. By living together under one roof in harmony. why rituals? Does one need the certification of marriage and witnesses to their bond? Approval to love and live together, from the society?
Does the bond of marriage guarantee fidelity? Undying love? the promise to stay on till death did them apart? Even without marriage, the vows can remain intact. There can be commitment towards each other even while living together.
For me, this invisible bond of a wedding was man-made. And meant for those, not strong of mind and determination. Religion sanctions this bond between two persons, some rituals are performed, witnesses who second this whole thing and it earns the legal title.
BUT now I have realized that we are weaklings. We need this institute of marriage, this witnesses to the wedlock, this approval of religion and society.
Though people have the choice to walk out in a marriage, they usually don't. They are scared of the society who has nothing to but talk. The partners think twice before heading different ways. And this 'thinking twice' gives them another chance to work on their relationship.
Not so in a live-in-relationship. One can just walk out without thinking, without explanation, without the accountability that is there in a marriage. It is easier to trample over one's partner, desert the lover in a live-in-relationship. Like the relationship never existed.
But in a marriage? There are questions, accusations, explanations, justifications, excuses and of course the tears and the paper works. The commitment and responsibility are high in a marriage.
Marriage has the respect, the approval of the society. This endorsement is necessary for the feeble human mind to stay in a relationship.
A lover can turn away from the beloved, walk away without hassles. But a wife/husband cant do the same. She/He needs again a signal from the society to undo the marriage. This walking away is labelled 'divorce', whereas the term in a live-in-relationship would be 'estranged' or maybe something else.
Marriage may be a farce, but we need this farce. To be socially acceptable. And for religious purposes.
The mind is conditioned such, that it needs something/ someone to obey to. Independently, it often falters and cannot walk steadily.

The Much Awaited Rain

This summer, the monsoon took a long time in coming. Though predicted early, it choose to stall its arrival. And the clouds kept moving away taking with them the hopes of the people.
The soul of the Earth and that of the humans yearned for the showers to quench their thirst. After several hopeful days, the clouds gathered again yesterday and the mercy of God poured down in the form of rain.
I was buried in a magazine at the dentist’s when I smelt that familiar, pleasant smell. Ha! The rain falling on the dry earth! I closed the magazine and walked out of the hospital. I watched the rain with a strange feeling of joy and elation. There were other people standing in the portico seeking shelter from the showers. I wanted to laugh and tell them “ Why are you hiding from the rain? Come on, drive on, walk on, to wherever you are going.”
I myself wanted to go and stand on the road in the rain. But something held me back. Suddenly I was thinking ‘ what will people think?’ But after a few minutes, I climbed down the steps and just walked into the street. But instead of standing, I walked on. This way I thought I would not seem to be deliberately drenching myself though that was what I really wanted. With all my heart!
So I walked on. I had removed the veil that covered my face. The raindrops fell on my face. I walked on, revealing in every drop of rain that fell on me. I was in ecstasy. I walked on, following my heart. On the long empty stretch of street, I was alone. Soaked through my clothes and my being, I felt the surge to shout out in pure delight, do a jig, but checked myself.
What a price to pay for being an adult! I, who always believe that, others’ opinion of me is of no importance, actually dint want to shout, dance in the rain alone, on the streets because I was conscious of the people standing at the entrances of their places, on the pavements. Was I thinking what would they think if I did what I wanted to do? They were all strangers. They dint matter. Yet I restrained myself. My desire dint fall in the category of normalcy.
Were I child, I would do it without another thought, on an impulse and unabashedly.
I felt ashamed that I dint really let go the way I wanted to. Afraid of strangers’ opinion? I could not decide. Maybe if I was with another person, I would have given in to my impulse. Even if that person dint join, it would be ok, I guess.
Maybe next time.
On second thoughts, were I a man, I would have followed my heart. But then, do men ever feel this passionate? I am not sure. Maybe they do, maybe they don’t.
But the rains yesterday not only made me euphoric but also gave me food for thought.
Learning, ain’t I?

Hijacked

Hijacked

These days are the days of virtual reality. We meet people on the Internet unlike before. Earlier we met strangers in public places who later graduated to becoming good friends and sometimes these friendships blossomed into love.
Today this situation remains the same. Only the place we meet potential friends in these busy days has changed. I too met one such person on the Internet. On Orkut to be precise. It was nothing gradual in our case. We hit it off instantly. Maybe because of his flamboyant style of communicating. He was all at once endearing, charming, warm, sensitive, caring, humorous, naughty, shy and quick tempered. And romantic too!
I responded equally well. He was like my extension and I his.
We mailed each other every day. Chatted online frequently. Scrapped regularly on Orkut. Yet we missed each other the time we were off the Internet! The mails were expansive and the chatting intense.
The emoticons provided on yahoo network were of a great help. All his online kisses and hugs got the blushing icon from me. And it was not just the icon that was blushing each time he sent the kissing emoticon. I found myself blushing in real, heart thumping!
Yet it was hard for me to decide whether we were in love or were simply friends. Or just flirting!
We never stopped calling each other ‘honey’, ‘darling’, ‘sweetheart’ and so on. We met every single day. Not on exotic romantic locations but on the virtual world. Yet we yearned for each other.
And sometimes I had to travel for days together, I still managed to keep in touch and that distance was all the more sweet! And we missed each other all the more! He even told me ‘We should both wear engagement rings to ward off prospective admirers!’
I liked this possessiveness!

There was a yawning gap of ten years of age difference between us. He was younger to me! I don’t know if it was a hitch or not. Though neither he nor I forgot this age difference. But still I was hopelessly in ecstasy all the time I spent with him. I forgot the fact that he was so young! Maybe he is just infatuated? But what was wrong with me??
I reminded myself that one day this magic would wear off. And he would drift away from me leaving a void. The thought was always at the back of my mind that one day he would find someone ‘real’ and I would once more be by myself. And, I felt insecure when I thought of the inevitable
He never spoke of a particular day or time we would meet but always spoke of our future meetings like ‘when we meet we will go there’ or ‘do that’ and so on. I somehow did into like to really meet him in person. Why spoil it all by meeting in person and be disillusioned?
Like all friends and couples, we had a disagreement and argued though e-mails. And I realized that we could not even agree even to disagree because he made personal attacks and was harsh in calling me names. I knew he could not argue/disagree like a mature adult. But I was deeply hurt. And he was fuming in anger too because he could not come to terms with the fact that I had the right to a different view even if it was not wrong according to him.
The two days he did not respond hung heavy on my being. Hurt though I was, I forgave him. I could not bear his indifference. It was killing me. So I mailed him myself. He responded. But things had changed.
We still chatted online, were jovial and friendly like before. There were still traces of our earlier bonding. But not quite.
I could sense we were still on the same wavelength of endearment though he was holding himself back. Now I began to want to meet him in person. But he no longer talked of our possible future meetings. And ignored my subtle hints to meet up.
My heart ached with longing for his real company but all I got was his virtual company, which he now sparingly gave.
He claimed he had no girl friend and I believed him, judging by the intensity of his mails, online chats and the jealousy he expressed when there were new friends on my Orkut list.
And gradually the mails lessened after our fight. And then I hopped on to a new job with new timings and even the frequency of online chatting decreased. But he did chat if he was online at the time I was online.
I found myself thinking of logging in to the internet all the time to see if he was online, to check if he had sent any scrap. But I had no access to the Internet at my workplace. My thoughts kept wandering, steering themselves to him. He had hijacked my mind. Or had I allowed him to hijack my thoughts? What did it matter? I was hijacked. But knowing this did not change the situation.
I still found myself thinking about him all the time.
And once when I read his scrapbook on Orkut, I found a scrap of a girl whose scrap was familiar and intimate and she addressed him ‘honey’. He probably addressed her by those intimate terms, hence the reciprocation.
I was not jealous. Only hurt. I knew that the time had come and the magic was fading. It had been in the process of fading long back. After our first fight. And I had failed to notice it. It had been fading. And this process was killing me in inches. I remained hijacked for a long time. By his thoughts. Does this type of hijack have any ransom? Does this feeling have any name? Obsession? Infatuation? Love? Compatibility? Friendship? I don’t know.
Was it mere flirting? Or was there love at some point that could not surface fully?
What is this relationship called?

A part of me will always belong to this virtual stranger. And his memories will always be in my possession. In proximity he is just a click away on the Internet, in reality he is a million light years away though still somewhere on this planet.